Terror from a Test

Before I added more of my life's "adventures," past and present, there are some more recent events I would like to share.

Life goes skipping along, at it's standard pace. The sun rises, the sun sets, and between those two events each day, so much can happen to change the days that follow. For years my mammograms have shown a lump, that was diagnosed as "a fibroid cyst." The word cancer terrifies me as much as the actual disease, so I let the diagnosis lie. But always it lingered in the back of my mind, and had me second guessing my image in the mirror after a shower. So this year I was not expecting anything different, when the phone rang. "We need to do a second mammogram. The first was not conclusive." Okay, I could live with that. Two days later, the phone rang again. " We need to do a "needle aspiration biopsy." I could somewhat live with that, knowing the lump was fluid filled and the size of a Froot Loop. So, into the hospital I went, 100 % confident nothing would be wrong with me. But I was seriously thinking that this was getting rather annoying, and I would talk to the Doc about just taking the darn thing out.
So a few days passed, and I was actually thinking, "No News; Good News." Trust me, never a good idea, because inside the stress is eating you up. So I called the doc, got the nurse, and she says the Doc wants to see me. She of course is chipper and does not give even the slightest clue as to what the next appointment will be about. So I withdraw into my "It's nothing, or he would have called right away" mode. Longest two weeks of my recent life followed.
The morning of the appointment, after my shower, I stand in front of the mirror. Yep, the little "moving lump" was still there. The Doc later confirmed that yes indeed it was still there. "Hadn't I noticed it had gotten a little bit bigger?" he asks. "Had I not noticed a smaller NEW lump had developed?"
"No" I said, "I guess I should check it more often, but I'm so used to it being there."
Then came the five words, even before I could bring them up my self. "They should really come out." Shock, disbelief, fear, .... you name it, it went through my brain in the following 15 seconds. With all the courage I could rip from my pounding chest I asked, " Is it cancer?" He looked at me with these soft, yet concerned eyes, that all doctors have, and said, "We really aren't concerned it could be cancer.. But we will run more tests after they are taken out; just to be on the safe side. It's the fact that a new one has developed, and the existing one has gotten just a little bigger." Oh, that made me feel so much better, and far more reassured I wasn't dying right there on the spot !
So now a few weeks have gone by, and our new insurance has kicked in. I'm still debating, arguing with what should be my common sense. A big part of me really doesn't want to know, and doesn't care. Clinical depression will play tricks with your mind. Even though I have remarried, my husband died in 1991 very rapidly from cancer. I got through a lot of the intense heartbreak by telling myself it was his time. So how do I not know if this isn't just "my time?" It could be, God only knows, and He hasn't sent me any signs that it isn't. On the contrary, my life has been emotionally draining, and physically demanding to the point where it is far from fulfilling. It's like my life appears to be dying on the outside, and the inside will follow , if it indeed is my time. My current husband has such a quiet way about him, he's like my best friend. But we don't talk about medical issues. Probably because he knows I'll bring up his smoking again....
I truly believe that someday, hopefully sooner rather than later, God will say, "It's okay you can go now. I am done with you. Come to Me." But until that time, I live by His calender, and I probably will have my "little lumps" taken out.....Maybe