Terror from a Test

Before I added more of my life's "adventures," past and present, there are some more recent events I would like to share.

Life goes skipping along, at it's standard pace. The sun rises, the sun sets, and between those two events each day, so much can happen to change the days that follow. For years my mammograms have shown a lump, that was diagnosed as "a fibroid cyst." The word cancer terrifies me as much as the actual disease, so I let the diagnosis lie. But always it lingered in the back of my mind, and had me second guessing my image in the mirror after a shower. So this year I was not expecting anything different, when the phone rang. "We need to do a second mammogram. The first was not conclusive." Okay, I could live with that. Two days later, the phone rang again. " We need to do a "needle aspiration biopsy." I could somewhat live with that, knowing the lump was fluid filled and the size of a Froot Loop. So, into the hospital I went, 100 % confident nothing would be wrong with me. But I was seriously thinking that this was getting rather annoying, and I would talk to the Doc about just taking the darn thing out.
So a few days passed, and I was actually thinking, "No News; Good News." Trust me, never a good idea, because inside the stress is eating you up. So I called the doc, got the nurse, and she says the Doc wants to see me. She of course is chipper and does not give even the slightest clue as to what the next appointment will be about. So I withdraw into my "It's nothing, or he would have called right away" mode. Longest two weeks of my recent life followed.
The morning of the appointment, after my shower, I stand in front of the mirror. Yep, the little "moving lump" was still there. The Doc later confirmed that yes indeed it was still there. "Hadn't I noticed it had gotten a little bit bigger?" he asks. "Had I not noticed a smaller NEW lump had developed?"
"No" I said, "I guess I should check it more often, but I'm so used to it being there."
Then came the five words, even before I could bring them up my self. "They should really come out." Shock, disbelief, fear, .... you name it, it went through my brain in the following 15 seconds. With all the courage I could rip from my pounding chest I asked, " Is it cancer?" He looked at me with these soft, yet concerned eyes, that all doctors have, and said, "We really aren't concerned it could be cancer.. But we will run more tests after they are taken out; just to be on the safe side. It's the fact that a new one has developed, and the existing one has gotten just a little bigger." Oh, that made me feel so much better, and far more reassured I wasn't dying right there on the spot !
So now a few weeks have gone by, and our new insurance has kicked in. I'm still debating, arguing with what should be my common sense. A big part of me really doesn't want to know, and doesn't care. Clinical depression will play tricks with your mind. Even though I have remarried, my husband died in 1991 very rapidly from cancer. I got through a lot of the intense heartbreak by telling myself it was his time. So how do I not know if this isn't just "my time?" It could be, God only knows, and He hasn't sent me any signs that it isn't. On the contrary, my life has been emotionally draining, and physically demanding to the point where it is far from fulfilling. It's like my life appears to be dying on the outside, and the inside will follow , if it indeed is my time. My current husband has such a quiet way about him, he's like my best friend. But we don't talk about medical issues. Probably because he knows I'll bring up his smoking again....
I truly believe that someday, hopefully sooner rather than later, God will say, "It's okay you can go now. I am done with you. Come to Me." But until that time, I live by His calender, and I probably will have my "little lumps" taken out.....Maybe

How To Say Goodbye

I have raised children of many personalities. They entered my life through childbirth, marriage, and adoption. All hold a very special place in my heart, that they own until the day I die. Some I have had a greater influence on than others, but I loved them just the same. Being a mother can be as fulfilling as it is painful. You smile as well as cry, you let go as much as you hold on.
I read my daughters blog from Korea tonight. I was hoping there would be no more pain, but her heart still holds so much hate towards us. Hate that she has chosen to block out any attempt to reconnect as a family. And the saddest part of all, in this chapter of my life, is that I've chosen to forgive and love unconditionally. Her heart of hate, won't let any of that in. She says she would rather have no parents at all. I don't know anymore how it all got this bad. All I do know is that I never want her to hurt, feel unloved, be afraid, or cry because of me. Someday I hope she sees that, and grows away from all the hateful words she still needs to put out for all to see.
I don't know where she is, because she won't give us her address. We have a beautiful grandson, that we have never seen. And never will if she holds so firmly to the hate in her heart. I wish she could remember all the great times we laughed, went shopping, sat on our big bed and watched TV, talked about "girl stuff", and so many other happy memories I like to think about. I am so proud of her, and how she has grown into a strong independent woman and mother. I hope she knows that. And that I wish with all my heart that we could be together to make many more memories to cherish. Especially since she is a mother now herself.

I love you, LRS, and I hope you are happy, and content. No matter what you may be thinking, I truly do pray that life brings you happiness in every way possible.

Celebrating my Freedom

I was just a young girl of 20, when I married my first husband. It was a tough time for me, because I really had no desire to get married, but my parents felt it was my time. I just wanted to work at the deli, a job that would grow with me in future years. So I married, and started the "wife" routine. Turns out it was far harder than I thought to learn to love and support a man who often changed jobs, and had a mean streak. After a year went slowly by, I became pregnant with my first child. Knowing things had to change, I tried to leave and be on my own. Well if you have Catholic parents, that is not in the cards. So I settled for plan B, a duplex with two bedrooms, one having it's own door for "Mr." to come and go as he pleased. I kept working full time, making decent money, and planning for the day when my child would be born. My son entered the world, and when I first saw him, I knew I could do it on my own someday. Well, that day came quicker than I thought, after one terrible night. I had locked myself and my son in the bathroom, and we slept on the floor all night. The next morning, I became independent, with a strength I never knew was lying dormant inside me. Within two days I found a secure apartment, filed for divorce, brought my son to a relatives house to stay for a few weeks, and moved out with the help of dear friends. When I brought my son into our new home, I sat on the floor and held him to my chest, thanking God for this new found strength and freedom. I counted my blessing of my son, a good job, a great caretaker for my infant son, and my liberation from a life I never could have survived. So, today on July 4Th, it is that freedom and the birth of my son, that I celebrate. For it was the factor that would lead my life through amazing journeys...